Molten metal

the truth is
 it feels all alone
that you are disconnected
no one can hear
no one can see
You are cackling madness , full of glee
the fight seems invisible; no one to cheer you when you succeed and everyone to scorn when you cannot proceed
we all seek miracles you know?

even we who walk these shadowed enclaves
we need miracles
we tire of the lonely road
I tire
I wish to throw away all I know
but conformity is a prickly comfort
an earnest lie
I
know what is false but have never found my way to what is true
so
I keep going
I keep trying
keep crying
and wish I could believe
I was wrong. All I want is the truth
all I want is a way that speaks dearly to me
year after year after year
I see more and feel less
I want more and do less
I am diminished by my dreams and visions
debilitated by what I live through
I keep going

this is not all there is to the grand game
Is it?
my memories do me a great disservice
missing when I need them most
I no longer scream in the dark
but feel the darkness has consumed me
I tire- and the worst thing is that I wish to fail
tired of singing to empty fields
there is a song that sings within me
an endless beat that drives me
whenever I look clearly I see the creative motion and love that can be and maybe is a part of me
but mostly I feel lost
lost within all this love i see
all these friends
all this music
all this family of life
I cannot see myself
i am a spectre
an outsider observing most clearly but not belonging
who am i , Why am I
why can i not see myself in the mirror or in my dreams
why do I believe that all is lost and that where I am no one belongs
Even though I know deep within myself that this was not always so i feel I am here in this......
this

I tire of mind
I want it to end
time and time and preference
entangled with free choice has ruined me in this now
i know now that there is no way forward or backward
i have attempted to carry every misery I have seen and have attempted to expiate it and to sacrifice my own life
be a martyr to the chance , however little, of a better "life"?
No more  .I will be one with me or leave
i will , will my own self and see all that I am
I will no longer make batter or trade , no more deals
i am here completely
 I do not know how or why but I am
I am my own judge ..and I laugh because that means I need no judge
I will watch I will hear, I will live, I will enjoy
I will be
I will do something else
'till I find a way to be one with all of you


but right NOW I do not see how
I do Not hope
I Know that I am , and you are
and we are one
this is the excitement that runs down my spine
That all of us, and everything Is One ,Is Us , Is You ,Is Me.
I love you all
I Love period
(At least when I am not too self involved )


I will be a simple kind of man One who loves and understands
I do not desire the complexities of duality
but I would Love..LOVE to be one with myself

this is the thirst of my soul

But right now when i am not in bliss ,i am in battle with nothing less than my own mind .
A mindlessness that derives comfort from being in the same place it has always been , despite the pain , Or the discomfort , the fact that I have been going nowhere.
The melancholy siren that has been the song of my existence ; beautiful as it may have been, has burnt me me down to low embers . I must burn hot or burn down