i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop
waiting to be disappointed in life
but all i get is the mic drop


but life keeps disabusing me of these necrotic and pessimistic view point
 and \I realise: I am the one disappointing the realities and possibilities
All life is the epitome of the word THRIVE.
 In a cosmic calamity of kinetic concussion, some how THRIVE and BE  became  the reality.
and hence We ARE

we may take the extent of our existence figuring out this miracle
but in the meantime WE ARE!

so what was this day like
 once it hit daylight
sun shone like love  blown
and creative activity like volcanic activity
like one of the chosen i felt rapture


talked to my sister Dorcas, she is such a cute dork as shes grown up  tho
laughing wild pixie who speaks wisdom with a smile and  wink

through her i saw  friends and family

Rosette in her regal splendour
and Rachel
 with her joyful mischievous heart,

then a buddy called fast
was in a concert with my favourite band
and like i knew they would . they rocked !

then.. i know its overwhelming
A souljah walks in and the the music....
 lord the music. the inexplicable connection with the Divine
wielded like an existential blade . with panache .

ran through the new and the old
but in this moment they were reborn . fresh an alive . chini ya maji jo!
 felt guilt at not connecting with my best friend
feels selfish some times to be who I am

But I am this person
and i give a damn
... sooo what else,,

read , a really good book
holla at a really good chick

and yup thats it

my experiment at being subjective , present and here.

i i never realised how much distance i put between me and my recording of me ..ness.  more mental masturbation will follow
. i seem to be my only audience so i use vulgarity with ease.
but i am not vulgar for vulgarities sake.
but the jarring effect of it brings full focus to the point being made  moda focka!!

i miss family

there is a jarring disturb between what could have been and what is,
sometimes it feels like a universe of leftovers and regret, until u realize that what you have focused on is one facet of the diamond that is You, One slice of of..the All

dear nephew
all is strife.

and i mean this , All is volatile combative and pure strife,
from the moment you were born A war was waging
you my dear soul child are as is said in the news ; a child soldier.


and so am I

and everyone else u see

we were all born into combat, the fire power is not just your courage , will and intelligence
 but how much strategic light you will shine
how much integrity shields you can retrieve
 how many self pride moments and fear less munitions you can become , derive and share,
and how most of all How much u do not Give an eff and just choose to live by whatever level of love and strength you wish to be ..and believe in


I know you already have figured out what kind of cool aid i am selling
and boy o boy i wish i had had a sip of it sooner

this battle is not just won by wits . but in your knowledge that  the entire battle field is yourself.
It Is  you testing and challenging yourself as creator .
to build better more imaginative and precious things..
                                                                                of course there is the other way...
but being able to make a choice to Create , well ,,, .

there are some forces in the world who champion entropy; that nihilistic sense of free fall
That claim" That's the way it should be , fuck it all Burn the world,"
 But i dare you to be A Creator. I dare to bring new worlds and energy into being. breathe life and passion and creativity to all your endeavours. do not fall for lies. but if a lie can become truth . and hence resurrect the dead . do it.
 live laugh love, learn


that is where true living is ! to make the impossible possible, to ignite a dying earth with passion
 and LIGHT UP THE UNIVERSE .

not burn

but ignite
revitalize
redeem

A friend of mine . a true friend
  has faced a loss. a true loss
      i do not know what to say
i feel like words are useless
my use of them would only veil
what is truly felt,
a faint shadow of things so big they cannot be spoken. of course we will try , and we Will mean it.\; But how do you  truly speak of agonizing pain without igniting it anew.

(so now late in the morning I realise.
what must be shared is emphathy. not pain/Love not loss. im going to call.)

 so

Pole sana my friend
i am sorry for the distance i let be.
    and that at this moment my condolences do not even come close to expressing ...
pole sana my friend
 but in all things give thanks. u cannot lose something unless u had it first

to u bro, to your siblings and family , my deepest condolences.
Gods grace is upon you all ,

this has been a hard year for me . I could speak in every code word, but still..
this fear of vulnerability
and a need to express in dominant terms

reclaiming self and defining identity is a really good lie,
we play parts that satisfy a distinct pathology..or immunity to general consensus
then we use words that attend to a pretence at distance. a false objectivity

i am using my own words BTW
 an autodidact folly/folio?
hippies and trippies live the truest lives

the home grown and home schooled
 the village born ..the "un" trivialized
the ethnic,the tribal
The unveiled
those that trust their unmediated contact with the reality they are in
and are not too diplomatic . but if they are ,their diplomacy is uncoerced, but ant attempt to connect with true otherness

a soulful flexibility
a mental agility
 a creative presence

it is this spirit i wish us all to engage
engage with everything
because for some extremely subjective reasons
i believe that the everything is us
and it is tired of being shattered
and seeks our Communion
a holy communion