(Dedicated to ignorance)

I found my fire and it scares me
thunder pales
the truth is in me
each day I am torn , and each morn born anew

the pain has become the norm

I am knocking ..on heavens door ,
I think...
Is Jesus even his name
Is Yahweh game
I wished to be a mendicant in life
A monk and a monastery
because this life had no meaning to me

It’s all illusion and sleight of hand
the gifts are undeserving .
what was ours was taken ,and what mattered most was turned to dust .
My best Teacher, thinks that I am insane .

But even before i was in darkness spelled
I saw heaven
Felt the pleasure that bespoke pain
I struggle to explain myself because just maybe I am wrong.
So many people look to me for hope
But what if I, am wrong
What if I did not see what I think I saw
What if light is dark and right is wrong.
And my feeble mind in so far  reaching
has broken



the engines of my will are driven solely by fear
At last faith was  betrayed

I was a broken toy
A sentient puppet without a puppeteer

A ghoul full of anguish and pain
totally vain
with friends friendless
unclothed but not naked

feeling so deeply but showing  not at all
what keeps me going is knowing that I have been loved
and that in loving embrace ,observed
the universe

yes my insanity knows no bounds , and my observations are infinite
you are here
because
I am here ,and when I am gone you are not
yes this is a lie that pleasures me
and when its gone I am not,
and without this all I have is not purpose but Doubt


I am the master of my universe
A martyr to my own cause

the serpent in his own garden .I want so much for those I love
I want apparently more than I can give
my alms are beyond my reach

and my reach beyond my arms

I want to be honest with myself
Naked
cant do it though
so many masks are necessary to me being me
I live by sleight of hand
I owe all I am to deceptions
not to be unkind but to be me

forgive me world
samsara