addiction

it is like an addiction.
every night before i go to sleep . i seek to 'see'
i close my eyes , and my eyelids are band aids to my questioning wounds
i do not ask for courage or forgiveness
even though afterwords i beg for it
i ask for truths to connect with other truths
unearth, dig and hunt for truths that may give wisdom
   i am human
a spirit molded animal
so it is by my instincts and lust that the fabric of the "real " is unveiled
It is a voracious and tempestuous wind.
It is a searing lust of the mind that needs  the divine
a hunger
an unending hunger

If you read this, don't judge- just read.

It only takes me three word into every verse to realize I am wrong.
 It only takes me the time to post :"Epiphanous bliss", to let me know that I am talking shit.
What I know and feel in the moment  is passing ,Is quick and immediate but feels everlasting.
What we experience as everlasting and divine can never be grasped, or held on to. For that is against its nature,that is 'not' what it is.

Whatever you think you know, was the last sighting of Elvis. Jesus in a pancake...
To be with the divine is to be ever present. To seek, then move beyond seeking and live expectantly(a grand adventure indeed!) and then to move beyond expectation and perceive continually ( continually divining maybe?)

Be in full knowledge ,expectant and seeking that which lies beyond the veil that is you.
This is the true fabric of the 'real'. There is No final attainment so 'let go' .
There is a need within us all to compensate for our perceived  failing / healing / disease / "achieve" through phantasms of imagination and illusion .
The satisfactions of these are minor truths -mere pit stops in a great journey.
 And like sweet candy they are the least of what you  need.

The reality of every day life, accepted without prejudice, without expectation other than excitement, curiosity and passion, Is True.
 Your imagination unfettered by want, inadequacy or compensation is True.

You are always true.

If you can be here and in the moment with awareness( aware of your egos tempestuous and joyous outings,) Accepting and integrating each moment, biological, electrical and cognitive;  without embellishment.
 Just be here
 You do not need,Hope'(which is toxic) you need 'Faith' a much more cleaner fuel,whose true source is better acknowledged as Love/trust. but better still is to accept with awareness and a stubborn love and joy that disregards difficulty. imbuing a positive outcome .

That you are here is reason enough to begin your appreciation of what IS and its relation ship with you


You speaks in many tongue, it expresses itself in tongues of culture, language ,desire, touch, memory and curiosity ,sex, emotion, confusion, religion, wonder, science, abuse, trauma, laughter, joy, reward, perception, dimension, relationships, epiphany and etc,etc.... 

your true self speaks through the artifact we call living . everything you experience is symbolic of your true self.
and everything that feels stunted and repressed and ill at ease, will cry out for attention and healing and convalescence. Just as loud as your laughter is your pain.

 PAY ATTENTION to yourself. Loving your self means healing your world. Your pain can no longer be ignored.
The causes of your pain demand attention 
 until you stop and take care of what ails you, you will live a limited and damaged life, and the true joys will be half of what they could be..have you ever tried to enjoy a sunset with a tummy ache ?
let go.
send the ego child away for a minute and let the adult universe speak to you

you totally belong in the life you live. make it better,

here .now

It only takes me 3  words ! (Only three!)  into every verse before I realize that  I am SO wrong( i.e  being untrue. not lying ,consciously  but buffering ..yup! ou immoral basterds hehe!) . it only takes me the time to post "epiphanous bliss", to let me know that I am talking shit.. but I do experience this. eh?

What I experience as everlasting and divine I cannot tell you definitively. I do not hold it in my hands. I can barely contain it and even when coerced , i cannot pass it on . sorry sweetheart. only One of a billion sperm attain jiggyness.

To be with the divine is to be ever present ..even when seeking ,you are present. ..OK call bullshit!

but the next time you ask a question be entranced by the path the "answering " takes you ,
When you want to know, be invested in the question and the way you get your answer......if you truly want to know something . know that you are daring yourself . to have the experience of that knowledge. 


there is nothing you can conceive of seeking that you are not capable of finding

 . to seek. then move beyond seeking and live expectantly(a grand adventure indeed) then to move beyond even that and perceive as continually as you are willing to. in full knowledge ,expectant and seeking that  which is beyond the veil that is you .
This is the true fabric of the 'real'.
There is a need within as all to compensate for our perceived failing/healing/disease/achieve. Phantasms of imagination. these are true but like sweet candy they are the least of what is you.
the reality of every day life . if accepted without prejudice, without expectation other than true curiosity and passion, Is True. your imagination unfettered by want , inadequacy or compensation,is True. you are always true , if you can be here ;NOW. accept and integrate each moment , biological, electrical and cognitive, Muscular, sensate, and imaginative, without wishful embellishment. you do not need Hope , which is toxic you need Faith. that you are here is reason enough to begin your appreciation of what is . And devining what it means to you . you being your attitudes . and your environment and your desires and drives within this environment,
your self speak in tongues . tongues of culture, language ,desire, touch, memory and curiosity ,sex. emotion,confusion, religion, wonder, science, abuse, trauma, laughter, joy, reward, perception, dimension,knowledge. etc.etc..

 its all vortex. a purified trap of sensibilities... but then? maybe... I need a new vocab.solitude once empowering, separates me from us. . but i am still in love with all this . the growing pains, the decaying transcendence, the dance of life . Shiva, Arjuna . lord god. Yesu Chhristu. and if you WANT in capital letters YHVH... if you are not ready ,u r not here. a place of predation par excellence. or unified intent under will.

And LOVE allows all this .

everything exists . what we call real , is just the intersection of most agreement.....give me a chance .. no give yourself a chance to expand on all of this

its all true . ;)

cthulu

it is horror , it is pain it is dark,
 it is demons with no regard
it is consuming hunger
it is No purpose
it is greed

it is what you are before you know

it is the gods ,that are winds and fates
dancing on those dreams born of flesh

 while they fed  on our needs with greed
 we want and breed

hungover

A huge chunk  of what  I write is what you think I said
 Another chunk goes to me knowing what percentage of my theory of mind connected with your soul.
 The truth will always Out .. . the actor falls out of part... Hungover ;)
What is revealed cannot help but be the truth. Its the only bandwidth of genuine communion.

What I want and have always wanted to express ;with limited vocab and bandwidth , is this:
through measurable results and first hand experiment/experience/life, I know this :
You/I exist and  therefore are the first cause of anything you/I experience.
- What you experience is based on your knowledge , conscious or unconscious of this. (yes it is possible to "know unconsciously")
- How conscious you are of your" self'  and your situational awareness is equal  to how much control/power you can exert on the experience. The more aware you are, the more control /power you have over said experience.
-what you give is what you get.
-Belief is your boundary limit.
-God only show up to reveal new paradigms of self
- God is revealed in self knowledge
 ...and if you follow this horse home you know what it will lead you to..(addendum . if you know what I mean by "God" you must love dolphins!


Truth is light .
light reveals
 and a soul recalls

What you recognize is yourself, Always . the characters in your dreams are ; you!
what you can comprehend is inevitably "You".
To perceive you  have to be ..that

Who you are is a path of light, illumination is knowing that the profane is sacred and the sacred can be realized in the profane.
that you acknowledge , fight  and are aware of evil, describes and defines it to the same extent that "good" is realized. we are the heaven we most desire placed in stark contrast to the hell we imagine
the truth is- We are what Matter means. We are the contrast and experience that is life,hence time, space and thermodynamics.
Your ability to doubt and believe is just that; An ability. your presence is the only demand of existence
Your unique point of view and unabashed courageous honesty in the face of all you see is your only purpose and reason and value it is the only merger of subject/ object you will ever encounter. It is your Soul. It is the most precious thing  that exists .

your physical reality is the heart of all that is. a circulatory system of meaning and current level of comprehension.  Trust it. care for it and respond to its alerts.

I have felt love, undefined as passionately as evil.
 I know know that angels are demons
 That  what evolves is your needs,  but who you are remembers.
If you are well there are no doctors, and if you are good there is no god and if you are bad you endure.
We are all we will ever see , humanity is connection and culture . it is the median of standards  and the medium of creation.
 the field of  dreams.
 humanity is bastard( the last fiddly bit communicates meaning only if you quit being judgmental)